I Can't...

I know i haven't made a post for awhile but a lot has happened since the last time i posted. Same-old, same-old...
All my life all i wanted to be is normal... to have a normal family and not want to worry were i'm going to live and what i should fix for supper. Those things are something a 16 year old girl like me should not have to worry about and the thing is i used to... i got so tired of it and pushed it onto my 13 year old sister.. it's one thing for me but to push away the responsibility to my even younger sister?
All i can think about is what a horrible person and sister i am... how could i do that to any of them even though it seems like they could possibly deserve it.
When my stepmom told me she was kicking us out, that my dad had taken her side and that i was back to taking that responsibility of finding us a place to live were we can be and feel safe. Half the time i can't even focus on school work cause all i worry about is how long am i going to but stuck with responsibility that should be a parents. That i have to figure out were our next meal will come from if Melinda isn't going to feed us. How much i wish i could tell all the kids who make fun of me cause i'm a "goody-goody" cause i never get to go to parties or have fun. I wish i could tell them that i don't get that privilage because i am to busy taking care of my family that everyday i'm alive falls apart and makes me want to give that much more.
I am so tired of the snickering, rude comments and the feeling of wanting to die cause i don't live the "right" life. I know i should be happy with what i got and people have way worse. But when i feel the need to give up everyday no one can tell me i am being selfish cause theres something they don't know... All this is m fault, everything bad that's happened to my family is most likely because of me... especially when my family basically tells me so...

Bad To Worse!!

So now my stepmom has my dad thinking that the only reason i'm living with him is to make his life miserably and that all i want to do is ruin their marriage. But last night he was crying to me on the phone saying "she never wanted this marriage or you kids.. all she wanted was to mess with our lives..." all of a sudden it's all getting blamed on me and i didn't even do anything.
My life was suppose to be getting better and it's only getting worse... i stopped getting letters, my dad doesn't want me anymore and all i want to do is curl-up and give up... i am so tired and don't want to deal with it anymore. There is nothing good about being alive right now... i don't want to bug my friends about it cause i'll push them away like i did to lander.
I'm just done music doesn't even make me happy anymore and thats not right.. I use music to express myself and now all i listen to anymore is depressing... it's not even worth living my life.
People would be better of without me in their lives cause i sure feel that way!!!
Bye For Now!!!

Disappointed?

So i didn't get another letter today so far which kinda stinks. Those letters were making my day even though i wish i new who was sending them to me. :/
To me it's kind of ironic that when i mentioned his name the letters stopped coming but hey there's nothing i can do.
Anyways... can someone answer a few questions for me please...?
When someone remarries and knows the other person has kids and you marry them anyway, isn't that taking responsibility of the persons kids if they live in the household? And isn't it considered neglect when they look you out of the house with no where else to go? And truly should the stepparent have permission to discipline (smack around, spank, slap, ect.) the kids if they are not your own?
My stepmom apparently thinks that she can get away with smacking me and my siblings around. She also thinks that it's not called abuse or neglect to lock us out on the streets in the cold with no where else to go.
I have my sister Tamaira (13), my sister  Kimberly (6) and my brother Devin (8) to think about and care for. I've been their "mother" figure since they were born and i am not about to let them feel unsafe in a place where we know we're not welcome and don't feel safe in anymore. I have two other siblings in that house but they belong to both her and my dad. My dad says that "he disowning us if we can't do what we're told" but we were told that we can't come in the house unless my dads home. He doesn't get home tell 3am. It's getting cold out and i will not stand back and watch my siblings freeze and my family fall apart.

Still Not There!!

So i got another letter! But this time i didn't get it until after lunch :) it was really nice but whats frustrating me is that it doesn't say you wrote it! this time it was signed...
                                                                   "you are loved!"
I am so confused and touched at the same time. The only people i told about my problems was Hannah, Lander, Ellih and Torie, and Addy.
Who would write me a letter and tell me they love me and can't sign there name.
(I still want it to be Lander who is writing the letters, but for some reason i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that says it's not... and it would just be weird to ask him and tell him what i think because i think he gets mad at me when i bring up how much i like him.)
I just hope i figure out who's writhing these letters before i get my hopes up. Lander used to be there for me whenever something went wrong even if it was stupid. Now he barely even talks to me and it hurts to know that i did something to cause it.