Wondering

Wondering
always wondering
never ending
constantly going

Wondering
do they think about whats wrong?
do they want to know?
do they even care?

Wondering
my brain filled with constant questions of:
should I tell somebody? and the
what will happen if I do?

Wondering
my only get away
my nightmares and terrors
times of blacks and reds

Wondering
horrible memories trickling down
the stinging of numbing pain
thoughts of: is this the end?

Wondering
the what if's and how come's
can I choose my own faite?
will I choose right?

All this time wondering
have I lost track of time?
will I ever ge the chance again?
it's mine to decide

Standup For The Silent

        I know I haven't been on to me what feels like forever but I have a feeling not to many people read my blog. I guess that just means things are more private but thats not why I created it. I wanted a way to get what I had to say out there and I thought this would be the way to go.

        I decided I wanted to do a post for my Business class instead of a presentation. My class has to "create" a non-profit organization that helps those you need it. Some people think that if they stay quite things will get better and it will all go away. It's easy to think that because you have nothing to lose, I know because that was me, but I'm here to say that it wont. Thing either stay the same, you end up in the hospital or even worse... dead. Take Landen Pain for example... he was abused to the point were he couldn't take it anymore. Law enforcement did nothing to stop what was going on. I know most of this because my school counselor and teacher of this class made over half of the calls out of over 49 calls that were made to law enforcement. That should not happen and it's sad that it took a little boys death to abuse for people to realize that. 

        My organization will help this from ever happening again. All you have to do is talk to your school counselor or administration. They will inform me or one of my other volunteers. If your not comfortable talk to someone about what has been done to you, you can calls us personally. We will deal with any kind of abuse or bullying. No matter whose calling you will immediately talk to someone on our Board of Trustees:

                               Hannah Wick

                               Michael Winberg

                               Breann Zimmer

                               Kayla Fischer     

                               Bob Bednar

                               Jacqui Garrison 

        Don't stand there and let someone treat you horribly. Standup and talk get out there and don't be afraid. Standup For The Silent don't be a by-stander.  

:)

Well I had a bit of a blow-up last time and I'm sorry. I should have been nicer it's just certain things push my buttons and I shouldn't let them. I am so sorry!!
I was personally selected for a chance to join the #1 European Concert Tour along with my friends who made the Honor Choir this year. I'm pretty excited but it's so expensive. $6,185 to be more like it. I couldn't even raise enough money to go to Chicago and I'm still paying off my cheerleading/Dance expenses. But for me and many others it is a big accomplishment and not something many of us thought we would be selected for. I can only hope that the same thing happens next year cause I do not believe I will get to go this year.

Crushed and Mad

I hate it! All of the bull that goes on.... Why can't I have even the slightest happiness in my life without ruining it for me and taking it away!
What part of i liked him don't you people understand? I'm pretty sure that he liked me back too.
Can't you please just let me be happy.? You think choosing who he should date is being his friend? Did you ever think to consider he might have the same feelings about me as i did of him. Your not his true friends.. you don't care about anyone but yourselves, and as long as your "happy" with your life you ruin everyones around you. I hope your happy and proud of yourselves.
One day your not going to have anyone cause of what your doing and don't expect anything more or less cause you did this.

Worse...

Just when I thought that things might be getting better they get worse.... The guy who used to be there for me through everything wants to quite choir. No he's not gay... far from it and he makes choir interesting. I mean he's not the only one but... well it's hard to explain.
On top of it i made a mistake last year. School had just gotten out for the summer and i was at the river with my class and all my friends. There was just a few of us left cause everyone else went home and i was the only girl left. I knew i should have said no but didn't. I just wanted them to like me... i hoped it would be enough for them to even just consider that i have feelings and i matter too. They dared me to flash them... at first i said no and then for some stupid reason i listened. I walked i little ways away and flashed them. See know i should have known that it was going to come back and make me feel bad but i didn't do what my heart or gut told me to do. Ever since then i have never forgiven myself for it. Now my sister calls me a whore and so do her friends.. Even Brendan who i thought was my friend called me a whore, he said he was kidding but i don't think he realizes how much words hurt and when everyone who was there when it happened joins in all it does is make me feel worse then i already do.
People say the only reason no guys like me is because I am a whore... Is it true because i'm beginning to think there right?

What To Do?

What do you do when the guy you care about says things like "the best part of his day is if he got stabbed in the heart!" How do you respond to that? He knows you like him and you know he doesn't like you back... who do you say anything without seeming... well you know...clingy like? I don't want to push him away more then I already have!
Something that has really changed my life was an assembly that the school held. It was very inspirational. It made me realize that i have to power to change the sinful things I'm doing and stay on the narrow road. That the path I am on, the path of destruction, is spiraling out of control and I am ruining the potential that I have to live in a world with so many opportunities. I can be anything I want to be and all I have to do is turn around. It won't be easy, actually it's far from easy... it's hard beyond all belief and your going to want to give up.. but keep the faith and your eyes locked on god and you can succeed. Easier said then done I know... but you and me both can do it.

I Can't...

I know i haven't made a post for awhile but a lot has happened since the last time i posted. Same-old, same-old...
All my life all i wanted to be is normal... to have a normal family and not want to worry were i'm going to live and what i should fix for supper. Those things are something a 16 year old girl like me should not have to worry about and the thing is i used to... i got so tired of it and pushed it onto my 13 year old sister.. it's one thing for me but to push away the responsibility to my even younger sister?
All i can think about is what a horrible person and sister i am... how could i do that to any of them even though it seems like they could possibly deserve it.
When my stepmom told me she was kicking us out, that my dad had taken her side and that i was back to taking that responsibility of finding us a place to live were we can be and feel safe. Half the time i can't even focus on school work cause all i worry about is how long am i going to but stuck with responsibility that should be a parents. That i have to figure out were our next meal will come from if Melinda isn't going to feed us. How much i wish i could tell all the kids who make fun of me cause i'm a "goody-goody" cause i never get to go to parties or have fun. I wish i could tell them that i don't get that privilage because i am to busy taking care of my family that everyday i'm alive falls apart and makes me want to give that much more.
I am so tired of the snickering, rude comments and the feeling of wanting to die cause i don't live the "right" life. I know i should be happy with what i got and people have way worse. But when i feel the need to give up everyday no one can tell me i am being selfish cause theres something they don't know... All this is m fault, everything bad that's happened to my family is most likely because of me... especially when my family basically tells me so...